prussianpeaches's Blog

How do i say i feel lonely all the time? I wish I could study literature for the rest of my life. I wish I could teach at a university and go fishing and donate my summers volunteering to cure malaria and demiliterize war zones. It's a very impersonal set of dreams but it's what i want if i want to feel like i've accomplished something with my time.

I am having the best sex of my life right now. It's probably the only thing going right in my life right now. Everyday I look forward to seeing my guy friend and awkwardly flirting until we end up mauling each other in the back seat of my car. I don't think I ever saw my life like this but I'm glad it's happening.

Last night we went shopping for some headlight thing for my car, shared some fries and onions rings and got caught in a thunderstorm before heading back to my place. I get turned on so much just thinking about him. He's german. He has a wolf tattooed on his chest and green eyes that change color in the sunlight. It drives me absolutely wild. He smokes and it secretly turns me on though I won't admit it to him because he's trying to quit. He works on cars and is passionate about them in a way that makes me feel like I'm missing some fundamental part of being human. He lives on five acres of land in the woods an hour away from my city. He listens to country music and he's got hairy forearms. He's at least 6 foot three and he lets me play with his ass. He likes to try new things and he's low key but sarcastic and friendly at the same time.  He's a goldilocks. He's not too big and he's not too small. 

He's so completely different from any guy I've ever met and I'm really starting to get into him. He's not like the pc liberal guys I went to college with who grew up analyzing the different ways to be disrespectful to minorities and people of color. He says fucked up things all the time as jokes and he genuinely doesn't discriminate against any one group. His innocence makes it so much easier for me to talk about things like racism and helps me keep them in priority so they aren't the all encompassing issues they used to be when I was in school. It was scary at first dating a guy who I wasn't sure I could trust to handle racism with any sensitivity but so far so good. True we haven't had a chance to get to know each other that well but each time I bring up something he seems like he's able to handle it and he doesn't seem defensive or competitive like some white guys I've known. It's scary but refreshing at the same time. 

Today the school's OD asked me if something was wrong with me. She called me into her office and told me some people have been talking about how I seem distant and unconcerned lately. I wanted  to say, "It's because I get paid shit for working part-time and I'm nearly 500.00 in the hole and no one seems to care whether I have a job next year or not and I have to deal with bitchy parents, bratty kids and ridiculous coworkers who fuck in your office after hours so if I don't exactly seem enthusiastic about coming to work everyday, sorry."

Philosophy of Teaching Statement Draft -- thoughts?

 

I am enthusiastic about entering the classroom as a first year teacher because it is a unique opportunity for me to become a part of something larger than myself. I have always wanted to work with a group of people whose values are aligned with my own and I have always thought education was the best way for me to have an impact on all the things I care about. As a little girl my first volunteer experience was with People’s Community Health Center, a free clinic that provided services to uninsured patients. I passed out condoms and distributed information about safe sex as a way for me to feel like I was involved in my community and making a difference. This commitment to service has continued in my professional life and made teaching an obvious choice for me. 

 

Addressing the achievement gap in this country is one of my biggest concerns as a teacher and community member. It is a  formidable challenge and most of my students know the odds are against them. It’s hard not to get emotional about it. Coming from a city notorious for its poorly performing schools, I live with this awareness and determination to make a change everyday. The disparities in Baltimore city schools make community members confused, angry, desperate, indifferent and many times escapist. Some are motivated by adversity but by and large most are discouraged. It is regrettable that a country as great as ours continues to neglect certain “expendable” communities. It makes me ashamed to be an American and determined to do something about it. It is important that communities who continue to struggle with the achievement gap find ways to address it and renew their stake in the American dream. This means that students must perform successfully in school to become valuable members of society.

 

Success in education is a difficult metric to measure. For me, it means observing scholarly behavior, seeing demonstrable improvement in a students’ academic skill set and measurable improvements in my students’ sense of self-efficacy. It is important that students be able to think critically, develop executive functioning skills and advocate for themselves if we are serious about addressing the achievement gap.

 

In order to set up our students for success I think it’s important to meet them where they are, to tap into their personal social networks and to treat them like the experts-in-training that they are. As an African American being able to operate in different cultural spaces is a useful skill. It’s more important than ever as we prepare our students to function in a multicultural world that they be able to navigate the different cultural spaces they may find themselves in. 

 

Along with the intellectual work we ask students to do, teaching language arts is affective work that ask students to ask the big questions about who they are and why they are here. As the basis of all cultures, language arts prepares young people to make sound ethical decisions in partnership with the choices technical innovations present. It is in English class, along with the other humanities, that students practice making nuanced responsible choices around race, gender and power. My job as a teacher is to provide a safe space for those questions to be explored, introduce students to the universality of these questions and celebrate the process of discovery. It is a pleasure and an honor to be able to take on this challenge and it is something that re-energizes me everyday. 

I went to a cousin's wedding last night. It was lame. I was cramping and had barely eaten anything all day and I knew the food was going to be bad but I went anyway because it's not like I have a lot of wedding experience and I felt like it would be a good experience. I felt weird walking in by myself but shook it off saw some people I recognized and said my hellos till I found my mother. She was sitting at a table with some other family and I spent the night talking to two female cousins who always nitpick other girls outfits. It was ridiculous but familiar and nice to just float along the small talk of hair and makeup and "what my wedding is going to be like" conversation. It's hard not to laugh out loud at them sometimes but they're nice girls. And I'm not ashamed to admit the only reason I went was to see if I could meet someone but it looked like all the guys were there with dates so the whole "meet someone at a wedding" theory proved false last night. When I got home Dustin called me and we talked for a few minutes about meeting up tomorrow, I took two ibuprofen and passed out about an hour later.

I left work early today because I felt like I was going to puke for about 45 minutes before I decided maybe I've got food poisoning and told my director I needed to go home. I don't know what I ate but I know I haven't been eating well lately. I ate the snack the kids get at the end of the day and my stomach started cramping and hasn't let up yet. I keep thinking it's ingestion but as soon as it begins to feel better it starts back up.

But what's really bothering me is that I lost two of my students. They don't meet the requirements because they don't got to title 1 schools so they aren't eligible for our program. That sucks. I'll never know if I could have made any progress with Marty. It is nice to know that I have at least one other student who lives right around the corner from me who's moderately well behaved but still clearly needs my help and it's nice to know that I can still do that on the weekends but it means less money for me and it means the poverty drama continues.

I've been interviewing like crazy for the past two weeks but nothing's come of it so far. I feel better the more people I talk to because the more practice I get, the less nervous I am and the more distance I can put between my professional and my personal life but it still sucks not knowing what you're going to do for money in six weeks. Yeah, school flies by as soon as you get to April. We've got six weeks left before summer vacation and I have no idea what I'm going to do for money. I really should be better about managing my finances now but I'm just a slow learner when it comes to this stuff.

Dustin is becoming a nice consistent element to my life. I don't know what we're doing and I'm kind of fine with that.I told him I didn't want to have any conversations about the future and he seemed cool with it. He also seemed a little confused and maybe a little relieved but he didn't seem hurt and that was my main concern.

My school doesn't want to have me come teach full-time and that's fine. I don't think I'm qualified to work with elementary level school kids and I don't ever want to be. There's a whole different level of involvement when it comes to elementary school kids that I'm just not ready for or even interested. 

The doctor said my girl problems are going to be a consistent issue as long as I'm on antibiotics and it sucks but I can deal with it knowing that it isn't anything that I'm doing to cause the girl problems. I was scared to death I was doing something to cause them. 

What I want is at least two more interviews. I think if I get at least two more interviews I'll ace both of them with all the practice that I've had and I'll have my choice of schools at the end of the school year. Then I can worry about summer work and maybe even just live off of unemployment until September. 

Still tossing around the idea of being with Dustin. He's earned some points that he lost since the last time I saw him. He really shines through on the phone when there's no physical distractions. He can hold a conversation on his own for hours with very little support and nothing he says offends or concerns me too much. Each time I feel myself raising a red flag I ask a benign question or make a neutral comment to push him to explain himself a little bit and his explanations are interesting, thoughtful and understandable. Tonight he made a comment about hating liberals who were effective in getting gay marriage laws passed and I digged a little bit. Turns out he grew up near a boarder town that saw a lot of drug traffic and homosexual activity and he was freaked out by it as a kid so he's a little resentful of homosexuals. He described them as "not your average queers". It doesn't excuse his bigotry but it takes away the impression of an indoctrinated conservative that I had. It's fine that people harbor certain stereotypes if they are rooted in first hand intensely emotional experiences. Especially if they happened when you were young and had no control over anything, I think it leaves room for discussion, change and tolerance. So as freaked out as I was when he used the word "fag" I can understand it. 

It is challenging dating outside your comfort zone but it's a hell of a lot more interesting than dating someone I have everything in common with.

Still tossing around the idea of being with Dustin. He's earned some points that he lost since the last time I saw him. He really shines through on the phone when there's no physical distractions. He can hold a conversation on his own for hours with very little support and nothing he says offends or concerns me too much. Each time I feel myself raising a red flag I ask a benign question or make a neutral comment to push him to explain himself a little bit and his explanations are interesting, thoughtful and understandable. Tonight he made a comment about hating liberals who were effective in getting gay marriage laws passed and I digged a little bit. Turns out he grew up near a boarder town that saw a lot of drug traffic and homosexual activity and he was freaked out by it as a kid so he's a little resentful of homosexuals. He described them as "not your average queers". It doesn't excuse his bigotry but it takes away the impression of an indoctrinated conservative that I had. It's fine that people harbor certain stereotypes if they are rooted in first hand intensely emotional experiences. Especially if they happened when you were young and had no control over anything, I think it leaves room for discussion, change and tolerance. So as freaked out as I was when he used the word "fag" I can understand it. 

It is challenging dating outside your comfort zone but it's a hell of a lot more interesting than dating someone I have everything in common with.

I spent the whole day with Dustin today and had the best time. We went to the BMA and checked out some art, ate some pub food and then walked over to a dog park in the neighborhood and peopled watched for a good hour before going to the movies. The park was the best part. It was a little chilly but lots of people were out with their dogs and I had no idea it was a dog park. It's something magical about going to a park where there are no dogs on leashes and babies are wondering around with guys playing soccer. There was a group of goths with their dogs over to one side and they made things a little more cozy too. I don't know why but I love dogs more as I get older. I know they're a lot of work and I would never be able to take care of one on my own but I love watching them run and bounce around and stare at me with their open mouthed grins. They make me so happy. Dustin was all right too. He brought me a print of one of my favorite Picasso paintings, which was totally unexpected, and he actually liked the movie I picked out. We saw "Jeff, Who Lives at Home" and actually watched the whole thing. There were some parts where I was like "whatever" but for the most part I liked it. He let me drive his truck since he's scared to drive in the city and we made out a little bit before I ran off to the house, thinking there's no way I can keep making out with this guy before things go further. He's exactly what I need right now. He's quiet and confident and tall and lanky and country and younger than me. I don't know why but I like guys that are younger than me. I definitely have a thing for taller guys and I love how slow and and goofy his accent is. He's kind of like an old man trapped in a young guy's body. I'm hoping that he proves to be more intelligent than I think he is as time goes on but it's hard to judge how smart guys are sometimes because intelligence is such a complicated thing. He's yummy though and I don't know how we found each other but I'm glad we did.

my life sucks. I went to bed at 3am last night to get up at 8:30a to go to some stupid orientation that was a complete waste of time on the other side of town. it was the same orientation I went to two weeks ago and when I get there the man has no idea who I am, no idea that I emailed him asking if it was a different orientation and no idea why he hasn't signed me up for any trainings yet. he invited me to sit in on a training that was going on but there were only two people there and they were basically having a private, very advanced q&a about the industry that I had no way of participating in. I talked to everyone for a few minutes and listened and took notes when I could but just realized that I am very far from being ready to work for this company. I've got like six months of training to do, a test to take and continual training for the next two years if I want to be able to say I know what I'm doing. 

So after an hour I left, spent the next hour wandering around barnes and noble and the library trying to kill time, getting depressed about the lack of jobs for me to apply for. The smell of homeless people wasn't too pleasant either. 

Then I drove another half hour to the children's facility where two of my students live to meet with them. I only had the strength to deal with one today and thankfully Martty was in a good mood. He seems to get a kick out of having a special visitor. He still doesn't know my name but he seems to be warming up to me. He's still kind of resistant to the idea of doing work but he completed his assessment in 25 minutes and was able to go to his room to enjoy quiet time for the rest of the day. I read the opening pages of Harry Potter to him and made a deal with him to get him to do the test but hopefully after one or two more bribes I won't need candy to get him to cooperate. 

After my session with Martty it was back to my side of town to meet with Troy but I was so spent with driving at this point that I decided I was better for me to make it an early day and get my timesheets to my contact person early and cut out my session with Troy. He seemed a little disappointed but I told him I would be back later in the week and had his sisters sign my timesheets for me. Then I had to drive another 20 miles to east Baltimore to give my timesheets to my contact person since I don't have the cash to fax them over. Yes, I don't have two dollars to send a fax. I know. Pathetic. 

Anyway, at some point I got a text from my friend saying she wanted to go get drinks because she's having existential problems again. The dude she's been talking to lost interest and she feels like shit. Not just because of this dude but because she's got no job, two kids and a husband who's cheating on her. But she won 150.00 at the lottery yesterday so she wanted to go out and it was her treat. I actually really liked the food, i think because it was the first meal I had all day, and felt bad that I couldn't help her more. I feel for her so much but we're both such a mess it's hard for either one of us to do the other much good. I hope we keep in touch while we're both going through this shit. We're supposed to go to the free bookstore tomorrow but I don't know if she'll still be in the mood. 

And to top it all off my bank account is overdrawn by 50.00 bucks and I cancelled my date with yummy because I'm too tired to drive anywhere. When did life get so lame?

Went out with a friend I haven't seen in a long time last night and woke up this morning with a hangover from cheap vodka and cranberry. Had a dream I was in some sort of dystopian backwater in my car with my neighbor and my twins from school, trying to make it out alive before the local hicks dismantled the car and ate us all alive. woke up at 5am to take ibuprofen, read a little bit, laid back down and slept until 11am. eventually dragged myself out of bed to see one of my students, Troy, and listen to his mother gripe on about how he "ponders" too much when he's calculating a math problem. got my oil changed, a few messages from some really random military dude and going to spend the rest of the day reading "Atonement" if I have tear myself away from this computer. 

I've sort of given up on teaching though I'm still applying. After my last interview I don't have the same hopes that I had and if something works out then, great, but if not I'll go into insurance and sell worse case scenarios to people for the rest of my life if I have to. I still really want to teach but I don't have the same expectations I had for myself that I had before. I hope something happens in the next few days or weeks to make me change how I'm feeling but right now I'm pretty disillusioned with the whole thing.

I saw my two new students this morning. My second student of the day, Marty, tried to punch me. He had his CD player and kept playing around with the headphones while he got ready to take a math pre-assessment when one of the staff who was preparing lunch came over and yelled at him to put them away. I knew this wasn't going to be good. I'd spent the first half and hour talking him into taking the test. When I asked him if he would take it he said, "I'm not doing it" grabbed all his stuff and ran to his room. I stood there for a moment and then followed him only to see him flying back towards me as he announced that he would do it. I could tell the first time I met Marty he was not the kind of kid to respond well to negativity. When the staff person told him to put his cd player away he grabbed it and hid it in his lap. I told her that I didn't mind if he had it, as long as he could hear me and was working. She said, Ok, and told him to put the cd player back on the table. I told him no one was going to take it but he was still scared she was going to take it from him so she counted to three and told him to put it back on the table again.

He complied but he was still clearly upset and as she walked away he whispered "bitch" under his breath. I'm so bad at conflict. I really should have intercepted this woman before it escalated to this point but all I could think was she has to deal with him on a day-to-day basis so she supersedes and authority I might have and she probably knows him better. Anyway, he said "btich" and I said, "who?" and he said, "you" and I said, "that's not nice" or something just as wimpy and he raised his fist like he was going to hit me. I held eye contact and said, "Marty stop" and he put his fist down. I said, "I don't like that. That hurt my feelings" and he grabbed the test and threw it on the floor. I said, "I need a time out and you need a time out". He said, "No, I don't. I need to color" I said, "Okay, you can do that. Do whatever you need". He didn't color. Instead he sat for a few minutes and then grabbed one of my notebooks. I said, "That belongs to me and I don't want you touching things that belong to me. I want you to put it down." He said, "What do you want?" I said, "I don't want anything. I said that belongs to me and I don't want you to touch it". He continued to play with the notebook and I announced, "Okay, I'm not having a good time. I'm leaving". And he said, "No, I'm doing what you want" and I said, "That's not what I asked you to do." He put the notebook down and said, "Okay, can you read me the questions and I tell you the answers?" I said, "Okay" and I read the first practice question to him. As I was reading he picked up his pencil and filled in the circle he thought was the right answer.

He worked through the first ten questions with little interruptions, music gurgling out his headphones on the table. He stopped a few times to change the songs and show me a cd that his music teacher made for him but he seemed competent and comfortable with the test unless there was a strange name or cultural reference to the question. When he ran into stuff like that he would ask me to read it to him and then as soon as he figured out the computation he needed to do he said, "okay, I got it". There were a few more interruptions. We had to move during lunch time and when it was time for quiet hour he wanted to take advantage of having me there and asked the staff if he could show me how to play his video game. We colored for a few minutes and one of the staff people walked past and said if we were finish with the test that he needed to get back on schedule and spend his quiet time reading or drawing. So we colored for a few minutes but as soon as she came by he grabbed his stuff and went to his room. I followed and told him I had a good time today and I would see him next week. He gave me a nod and I whispered a "thank god that's over" to myself before heading out. 

Outside all my financial problems, I'm leading a pretty normal life. I've got one girlfriend I see on a regular basis who I actually like hanging out with. I'm dating on a regular basis and I'm exercising and dealing with my health issues in a much better way than I was three years ago. So, all's not lost.

I wish the one guy I was dating was a tad more attractive than he is, but he's nice and definitely an improvement over the last one. Plus, I made out with my infamous neighbor a few nights ago and that was super hot. I'm trying not to dwell on it because I just forget about everything when I think about how hot he is but oh, well. 

I haven't had a lot of sleep so I'm sort of rambling while I wait to meet up with a friend later so I appreciate any comments or supportive mumbo jumbo that might make me feel better about this whole situation.

I found out I didn't make the final rounds of Teach for America this week and it makes me feel like I have less options now. I'm pressed for money. I don't know what I'll do for this summer and I went on an application sprint earlier this week and went to an interview this morning but there aren't a lot of opportunities over the weekend so I just have to sit with the anxiety until Monday.

It's been years that I've been in this situation. It's driving me crazy. Not having a well-paying job means I have to live with my mother. Living with my mother means I have to watch her descend into dementia every time something bothers her and watch her and my stepfather beat my little brother. Living with my mother means I have to see my sister blow up on anti-psychotic medication and clean any drop of filth I might spill in anticipation that she'll yell at me and it'll turn into world war III. She goes from zero to ten whenever something bothers her. She grew up in a rough house. She left and was raised by my aunt when she was 12 and moved out when she was 18 to strip in a club for a few months before she met my father. Her and my father had  a rough marriage and my siblings and I sat through that divorce but she's been a broken person ever since then and she's never been able to fully recover. 

I did my best to be the model daughter. I did so well in school I graduated valedictorian and went to the most expensive school in the country. Literally. I thought the government would cover it so I didn't think about money. Plus, I had scholarships and grants and figured I'd find a job writing for some paper right out of college. I was totally clueless about how big online media was going to get. I barely understood the internet as a college kid. It hurt bad when I realized companies could get me to write for free and never have to pay me because anyone can do copy but not everyone can do code. 

So I've been struggling to get my career off the ground for years. I'm watching all my friends get married and network and build their resumes to unbelievable heights on facebook while I'm home at home with my mother, shaking like a leaf anytime she starts yelling and hoping the next time I use my bank card it doesn't say "declined". 

This is what I think about when I go on job interviews. I have an interview next Thursday and all I can think about is how mortally crushing it's going to be when I find out I've been rejected again and I have to take some other crappy part-time job tutoring people over the weekends. All I can think about is how stupid of me not to go to law school, not major in computer science or finance or some other tech field. How stupid I was and how stupid I have to be to continue to think that things are going to work out. I'd feel less demoralized if I had more options but it just feels like I have to get this one job or all is lost and then when I lose it I go lick my wounds and go on pretending I like living at home with no health insurance and barely enough money to put gas in my car. Yeah, it's fine because I'm taking baby steps to something bigger. Sure. That sounds good. Of course. I'm just taking my time. I'm not desperate. Not at all.

I took on three students to tutor through a NCLB funded program and met with all of them this morning. I promptly fell in love with Marty. Marty lives in a facility for troubled youth set off in the woods in Timonium. He was playing a video game when I came in and looked thoroughly unimpressed with me. I played concentration with him and he picked up quickly. He's extremely reticent and anxious about talking about math. He struck me as extremely intelligent and challenging. He takes some sort of medication but I haven't been able to talk with his caseworker about his background yet. My second student lives in the same facility, beat me at a game strangely reminiscent of spades with no rhyme or reason and then tried to lead me off grounds to go find Marty. She seems to have a high emotional intelligence and is socially confident -- which the wards on grounds described as manipulative. She told me her school doesn't have math but she just may have meant they haven't had math homework lately. She's a confident reader but I think I'll have to be careful with her. My last student lives a few minutes away from my house in a house with his older brother. I'm not sure if his guardians are biological relatives or not but he sees to regard the woman who answered the door as his mother. He started to cry when I began to talk to his mom about what kind of help he might need but calmed down quickly once we started to play concentration. He's talkative but a little listless and seemed more worried about not hurting my feelings rather than winning. It seemed like his observation skills were pretty poor but he demonstrated he can count by twos, fives, and nines. 

Tired tired tired. I haven’t slept for more than four hours in the past two days. Last night I made the mistake of hanging out with weh again and ended up taking my brother’s girlfriend out with me. She’s a sweetheart and I think she had a good time but I have no idea how to relate to her. 

 

It was good to see carolyn again. I forgot how much I like talking to her and I forgot how comforting it can be to be around her. 

 

I touched another element to my anxiety today. Part of me is deeply anxious about having a full-time job again and being able to say that I’m an adult who can take care of herself. I haven’t worked for years and I’m really tired of not having a job. It feels okay taking my time to find one but I’m deeply disturbed by it. I’ve thought about it before but talking to carolyn today made me realize how simple it is to put it into perspective and while I feel like I can cope better now that I feel like I’m getting to the end of the tunnel, I’m afraid that I can’t do it for much longer at the same time. 

 

I’m also sad about not having anyone special in my life. Justin turned out to be a huge disappointment. I’m not attracted to him at all and neither is he and yesterday we confirmed it when I ran over to his place, promptly let him cum on my feet and then went to work and made plans for that night to forget the experience as quickly as possible. 

 

The party we went to last night was nice because it was low pressure. There was no chance of me meeting anyone there and the music was nice. I love the copy cat because it feels warm and comfortable as much as I complain about the hipster scene. I’m starting to like weh less and less. I was sure she would have a good time and she hated it. The only thing that interests her are black men, I know, but I keep trying to give her a chance and find things to distract her. So far nothing’s worked. She’s got some stupid ideas about men and how to relate to people. I know it’s because she’s just looking for a way out of her situation but if she were serious she would be doing more than looking for a job at macy’s and dating some jackass who only calls her when he wants to hook up. It’s a shame because she’s really pretty and I like hanging out with her because we look good together but I can’t see us staying friends for much longer. 

 

Red maple was loud and crowded and considerably more ghetto than it usually is. I didn’t like it but I think weh and shanika did. It sort of makes me disappointed in both of them. 

 

I wish I could sleep. My sister is talking to my mom in the next room and their voices keep waking me up. That jackass weh is dating sent me a text and I’m not even interested but I’m curious about how much of a scumbag he is. But it’ll just make me like her even less, so I don’t think I’m going to go through with actually meeting him. 

 

I’m also done with meeting men online in general, I think. you get midgets and perverts. It’s not an exaggeration. They’re online because they are socially deficient and they figure they can deceive women into being attracted to them with an interesting personality and a guilt trip but I’ve got too much self-esteem for that. I haven’t worked this hard for the past four years to have some guy trap me in some weird codependent situation.

 

I wish things worked out with tyrone. I think I was kind of in love with him and didn’t realize it. When he saw me he turned bright red but we had so much and so little to say each other. The chemistry is incredible. I don’t know why I like him so much. I know it’s some residual romantic foolishness but I can’t help but think about how sensitive and mysterious he is. I can’t help but think how sweet he was to me. Unrelentingly, genuinely sweet and sexy. He was so about getting me off. He was so happy to simply fuck my brains out through the night. I wish it were enough, but it wasn’t. I wish i could just be happy with that, but I wasn’t. I was profoundly sad thinking about how little of a future we had together. There was no way we were ever going to be ready to have children. And if we can’t be ready to have children, they I could never really relax and I could never really be happy and I would have been miserable, hoping to get pregnant and being scared to death I was pregnant. I don’t know why. He was the only guy I’ve ever been able to think about having children with and I just couldn’t do it as long as he had this drug problem. I feel bad about it. It still brings me to tears. I loved how skinny he was. I loved his big hands, his big feet, his big lips, his small quiet eyes. He had the most peaceful face. It just melted my heart. Would we be able to argue intellectually about political ideas? I don’t think so. Would we have really different opinions about things? I think so. But with him it didn’t matter. i was such a fool. I’ve never thrown myself into anyone so completely as I did him. It sucks that you can’t control who you’re attracted to or who you fall in love with. Intellectually, I want someone I can argue with and joke around with but emotionally I want someone who can support me and those two just aren’t compatible a lot of times. Emotionally, I need someone who’s soft spoken and accommodating and playful but intellectually I need someone who’s challenging and liberal and sexually I need someone who’s focused and dirty and sultry and I just can’t seem to find the combination. And intellectual qualities are becoming less and less important as I get older. It just doesn’t make any sense. I can’t do anything about it but live with the regret. I’m seriously hoping I see him at the laundry mat but I probably won’t. he hasn’t called me since I gave him my number last week and I’m glad I lost his because otherwise I’d be a total wreck by now. 

 

I’m starting to freak myself out about my interview and I already know I’m not going to do well. I don’t feel prepared and I don’t know how to prepare. I also need to get ready for tomorrow but I just really don’t want to get up early to meet with difficult children with no apparent plan. Tomorrow’s going to suck and so is Monday and so is Tuesday and so is Wednesday but at least I’ll find something out about TFA next week. I need to treat myself to something really special in a few weeks so I don’t lash out at myself like I did on my birthday again. Men have been my treat lately but they’ve become disappointing so I’m thinking maybe I should go get  a massage and a pedicure and then go shopping for like three days. That would be my ultimate treat but thanks to Baltimore city towing I can’t do that. Fucking bastards. But I can at least fantasize about the idea.